


Together

by hesonlytiny



Series: Longing [2]
Category: MY FIRST STORY (Band), ONE OK ROCK, coldrain (Japan Band)
Genre: Crying, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sibling Incest, Sibling Love, depressed little hiro, not bickering little hiro, sometimes it has to be that way sorry, talking out, trying to ignite jealousy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26568301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hesonlytiny/pseuds/hesonlytiny
Summary: There was just no getting away from his dark thoughts. Hiro had tried distracting himself with Masato - but a tear driven talk with his brother was all he needed in the end to comfort him.
Relationships: Masato (coldrain)/Moriuchi Hiroki, Morita Takahiro/Moriuchi Hiroki
Series: Longing [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1932349
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	Together

**Author's Note:**

> SOMEONE forced Moricest on me and I've been obsessed ever since. So here's a follow-up to my last fanfic. It's not as compact and clever as the last one, I'm afraid. But at least it's a follow-up with a happy ending? (◡‿◡✿) 
> 
> I have several Moricest stories already in mind and I'm still writing on my MasaHiro fanfic ... so don't worry? Please leave your thoughts down in the comments for ultimate love <3
> 
> (Not a native speaker, so sorry for making mistakes, corrections welcome!)

In the end, Hiroki had messaged him.

He couldn’t believe how hard and fast his heart was pounding after he’d sent the first text message. He hadn’t intended to do so at first, truth be told, and Masato hadn’t kept his promise of texting him soon, either. Maybe he’d been just a little bit too drunk, Hiro thought with dismay, maybe he’d end up being the fool after all. Maybe Masato had realised his mistake after he’d sobered up. But Hiroki’s fingertips tingled with the promise of a well-earned distraction; even if this wouldn’t lead anywhere, he would have at least _tried_. It was better than to wait and wait for his brother’s sparsely given out affection, anyway. It was an effort to finally free himself from this unhealthy co-dependency; his first, delicate effort but an effort, nonetheless.

« _MASATO_ : Don’t worry, I always have time for you. Let’s meet up soon. »

Even considering all this, Hiroki felt stomach-sinkingly guilty when he knocked at his door a few days after their text message conversation. He couldn’t really say why either, they’d gotten along splendidly, and it was not like Taka and him were _exclusive_ … Yes, his brother liked to make it _sound_ like it, but in reality, Hiroki knew that he was screwing other people on the side, too. They weren’t in a _relationship_ after all, he told himself, so he was allowed the same endeavours as Taka, wasn’t he? It was only fair.

He had to swallow hard out of raw nervousness – how entertaining it could be when you forgot _how to people_ sometimes – right as Masato opened the door. The older man had anticipated him standing on his doorstep of course, but he’d found enough time to shoot Hiroki a surprised but pleased smile anyway. Hiroki felt his heart drop to the floor spontaneously, and his eyes soon followed suit out of slight embarrassment. It felt nice that Masato was a fair bit taller than him; his sharp jawline and wicked grin on his charming lips … Hiroki liked the thought of all this. The thought of maybe _being able_ to have a ‘normal relationship,’ of maybe being able of considering him being enough … He’d never honestly questioned his reluctance towards anyone other than his brother. The thought of it was nice, the image of it, the feelings he associated with it …

“Nice to see you. Come on in,” Masato told him warmly and made way so that Hiroki could step inside and exchange his shoes for slippers in the _genkan_. Only when the older man closed the door behind them could Hiroki feel his heart starting to pound faster again. A melody he was sure not to have heard in a long while, at least not in a situation like that. Was it excitement? Fear? Nervousness? All of the above, maybe? It was only ever deep longing that he felt when he was with his brother and it had gotten so deep, eaten so much at him, so much so that it was scratching at his very bones, that he felt like there was no way it could ever be satisfied. This longing. But when he was with Taka, his heart was silent. Sometimes he’d look at his soft features, the moles on his cheeks that they both shared, and he’d feel his heart skip a beat. Like a lovesick puppy.

Right now, he very much preferred this type of a racing heart.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Masato asked after Hiroki had reluctantly sat down on his grey couch, which was more comfortable than it looked. Next to him, a little white and black dog was curled up on a separate blanket and didn’t seem to feel disturbed in any way, but because he didn’t quite know how to handle dogs, he tried to ignore the pet. And after he’d told Masato that ‘water would be fine, thanks,’ the older man handed it to him in no time.

Now that they were sitting next to each other in this foreign apartment, this disturbing awkwardness of this whole situation sank in fully. He didn’t know what to say and aside from occasionally lifting his hand to sip on his water, he also didn’t dare to move in any way. Without the protective layer of alcohol, the recklessness of the night and the satisfaction of knowing that his brother was watching and probably brewing with jealousy, there was almost nothing left that gave him some sort of confidence in what he was about to do. It was that realisation that suddenly made him painfully aware of the current circumstances and he felt the tips of his ears grow hot again at the thought when he turned his head and saw that Masato was watching him curiously.

“You look like a deer in the headlights,” he mused with a gentle smile, both looking and not looking at him, as though he didn’t want to startle him any further. Hiroki gulped. “You don’t need to feel awkward or anything, I’m not going to _eat_ you.”

“Let me guess: unless I want you to.”

Masato then laughed out loud, a rather beautiful laugh too, lifted an eyebrow and let it slide without another comment, but his face said it all. Hiroki caught himself being hypnotised by how his slender fingers lifted his glass to his mouth.

He was so playful normally, a little brat sometimes, he didn’t mince his words. But now he felt a bit at a loss, like a little child, not like the 26-year-old he was supposed to be. It fascinated him that Masato was even older than his brother. He seemed experienced and was radiating a sort of calmness and underlying dominance that Hiroki felt himself being naturally drawn to. So now that he was observing how Masato’s soft lips pressed against the glass, he couldn’t help but to imagine how it would be like to be eaten out by him or have those lips around his cock. He wouldn’t mind, really, he honestly wouldn’t mind.

“You’re staring,” Masato then noted deadpan after a while, and the younger man felt a delicate blush creep onto his face. “Does your brother know you’re …”

“Into guys?” Hiroki felt himself whisper, breathe, like something he’d thought he’d never say out loud. Something that was forbidden, and he said so without actually giving himself enough time to taste the foreign words on his tongue. As if it wasn’t him acknowledging this fact. But then he nodded slowly and tried to hold the other man’s gaze intently, like this one night at the _izakaya_. Strangely familiar brown eyes looked back. “Yes, he knows.”

He didn’t want to think about what he’d just said and what he could interpret into it all. He didn’t want to think about Taka’s face close to his right now, how soft his lips were on his, how his dick tasted, the sounds he made when Hiroki was on top of him. Suddenly feeling overwhelmed, he covered his mouth with his hand and let it linger there. Masato seemed to notice that something was wrong, too.

“I take it then that he isn’t very happy with it? Considering how he pulled us apart the other night … I mean, I’m sorry if that upsets you, don’t feel pressured into–”

“No, no, it’s alright,” Hiroki swallowed hard and tried to concentrate before he looked the other man in the eyes again, but only fleetingly so. A small smile flew across his lips then, but the next second it was gone and left them trembling. The truth hurt so much; it made his chest turn to stone. Nothing was alright. “He’s okay with it. He’s just overly … protective, is all.”

Hiroki saw the contemplative look on Masato’s face and felt the nervousness bubble up again out of nothing, as if he wasn’t sure if Masato was able to guess what had been going on after all. He felt strangely caught and guilty. Lying wasn’t his strength. One more reason why he had to escape all this before it was too late. He felt the ground underneath his feet crumble and break a little bit more every day, soon there was nothing left for him to stand on. He knew that Masato was probably pondering over his words and wondering if he was really that good of a friend to Taka if he wouldn’t even trust him with his own brother.

“I guess that’s fair enough,” he said with a small smile, one of those that Hiroki thought to be very familiar with, “screwing the little brother of one of your best friends isn’t really gentlemanlike now, is it?”

Hiroki’s lips twitched into yet another smile, but this time an honest one. He liked how Masato looked when he said those words. He liked the sound of it and the sincerity in his voice. He knew that he wasn’t one of the bad guys. “So you’re trying to screw me?”

“Wasn’t that obvious from the start?”

Masato turned towards him, put one of his legs flat on the couch and propped his head up with his hand; elbow on the backrest. He didn’t voice his ‘duh,’ but Hiroki could almost taste it in the air. Of course they were both just bickering and he noticed how much he enjoyed this newly light-hearted exchange. “Yes, and I like the thought.”

“Just the thought?”

It was pure instinct then, a knee-jerk reaction if you so will, but suddenly Hiroki blinked and was rushing forward to capture Masato’s lips with his. The position was uncomfortable and their noses pressed together, but Hiroki had to grin into the little kiss he’d initiated and felt his chest swell up proudly. Something he’d done, something he’d dared in order to break free. A step into both independence and maturity, a step in the right decision, he was sure of it.

With satisfaction, Hiroki felt Masato’s hand wander from his own thigh to Hiroki’s jawline and cupped his face lovingly; pulling them both closer together. He was the first guy he’d ever kissed after his brother. He noted how his lips were thinner but somehow softer, he could feel his teeth hidden behind them every time they pressed their lips together; he noted how different he tasted when their tongues met and how strong his neck felt under his fingertips. He smelled differently, too. Somehow bitter and yet sweet, he’d sweated as well, but it didn’t bother Hiroki in the slightest. All he wanted was to slide on his lap, press their groins together and watch his reaction. Something he’d always loved doing to Takahiro, something he was hoping he’d enjoy even more with Masato.

But then, somewhere in the middle of all this mist and blurry arousal, Hiroki felt his phone vibrate. He didn’t even notice at first, so absorbed was he in the kiss and Masato’s smell and the feeling of his skin under his fingertips, but when he did, he only begrudgingly parted with him. With a disappointing and apologetic look that soon turned into something more annoyed, he fished out his phone, only to read the name of his brother on the screen.

Finally, his heart beat yet again faster, only this time because of a more unpleasant reason. Masato looked confused at him looking at his phone and Hiroki tried desperately to get rid of this dense fog in his head. His breathing rate was still climbing, even though they were now apart; out of uneasiness, nervousness, arousal. _Fuck_. For a moment he considered not answering it at all, he was busy after all, and it felt _good_ , but now he felt the curiosity creep into his much too tight chest and he was wondering what his brother wanted from him. He only really ever called when he wanted a good fuck. It felt foreign, but also a bit forbidden and thus kind of kinky, to speak to his brother on the phone while he was about to fuck another guy … who was unaware that he was fucking his own brother on all his other free days.

“Sorry,” he mouthed to Masato as he pressed the green button.

“Where are you?”

“Can’t you at least try to manage something that resembles somewhat of a greeting?” Hiroki heard himself grumble as if spoken through a long pipe. He didn’t even know where that had come from, probably from somewhere deep inside his chest. His chest that suddenly started to ache all over once he’d heard Taka’s voice. And he hated the fact that his hard-on wouldn’t even go down, for Christ’s sake. It was _his voice_. It was like a fucking indoctrination.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to …” Taka breathed on the other end of the line and Hiroki listened to the muffled blow of the wind. “I’m in front of your flat. Where are you?”

“You’re what?” Hiroki answered as perplexed and fast as a shot bullet and only saw out of the corner of his eye that Masato was cocking his ears. _Fuck_. He had this gorgeous man in front of him, ready and horny, and he was willingly interrupting their make-out-session in order to talk to his brother. That just _had_ to look weird, hadn’t it? “I’m … not alone right now.”

“Oh …”

Hiroki could practically feel how his brother’s head must be working to process this information and the things he implied with it. For a long while then he only heard his breathing and felt his own breathing and tried not to look at Masato who was undoubtedly still watching him intently. His hard-on had still not gone down.

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“About what? I’m kind of busy right now …”

His chest hurt so much he feared it could burst. Sting after sting after sting. He hated himself with indescribable force for the fact that he now wished _so desperately_ to be home after all. To be able to open the door and see him and talk to him. Hear what he had to say. Be close to him, because no matter how hard he’d already tried to let it slide and let them both drift apart, his whole body and soul ached for him so badly. His fingertips remembered how his skin felt and he knew the shape of his body by heart. He didn’t want to stay here, his lust was so much less important than the love and yearning he felt for Takahiro. Deep down he was aware what it all originated in, of course. He’d looked up to his older brother for so long since he was so little, and then the break-up happened and all the other chaotic things that had changed his life. And suddenly he’d been so painfully aware of the missing love and affection that he’d been able to compensate for before, somehow. He’d craved it so bad that he’d projected it all onto his brother. He didn’t even need a therapist in order to sort it out himself, he was _very much aware_ , which made it somehow significantly worse. Especially because he couldn’t control it, he could neither operate nor change it, even though he knew the reason for all his misery. He knew that his body ached for Takahiro and the moment he called, he answered. Because for a short moment, he could finally forget that this was his life and that he could never get his family back like it used to be. When his brother kissed him and told him that he loved him, for a short moment the world didn’t seem so bad anymore.

“I just feel like we should talk in general. You haven’t been your normal self lately and … I’m worried, yeah? I need to talk to you. Will you come?”

Hiroki swallowed hard, still trying to ignore Masato’s curious glances. Like a hedgehog he tried to make himself as small as possible on the couch. He felt open and vulnerable, like he could burst out in tears any second but he didn’t. He’d fantasised about talking to his brother for so long about so many things, full well knowing that he would never ever go through with it. It was almost as if the thought of talking to him thoroughly, on a deep level, about all the things they should have been talking about, was something so utterly ridiculous that he shouldn’t have been thinking about it in the very first place. What would it achieve, anyway? If anything, he’d say yes to everything Takahiro had to say and end up in the same mess as before, only way deeper this time. But his longing was so strong, so gut-wrenchingly all encompassing, that he didn’t think he could evade all this.

Hiroki sighed defeated.

“You owe me one then.”

“I’ll be nice to you, don’t worry.”

It hadn’t been easy to explain it to Masato. Or maybe he was just making a bit of a fuss, Hiroki didn’t know. He didn’t _owe_ Masato anything, anyway, and he liked to think that the older man thought in similar ways, that he really wasn’t annoyed at him for breaking up their intimate encounter. At least that was what Hiroki had thought to have read on the other’s features when he’d told him. A slightly bummed out but understanding smile and a short kiss. An ‘I hope we can continue this soon’ and Hiroki had nodded and smiled, too. A bit doll-like, really. Slightly stiff and unnatural. Because he didn’t know if what he was doing was the right thing to do.

Hiroki tried not to think about whether he was running towards another hellfire, or whether he really should have stayed after all. As much as his heart bled, sometimes the only way out was the dark, strange and uncomfortable path. In theory, he knew as much. Forcing yourself to be interested in other people was so much easier when there was a way to actually break up a relationship. But that wasn’t really an option if your lover was your brother now, was it? He liked to think that he was sick of his bullshit, that he was sick of this situation and being caught in this misery. That he wanted nothing more than to be freed of this co-dependency, but deep down he knew that all he wanted was his brother to be more caring, more loving, more attention-giving. For Taka to hear what he had to say, to understand and accept his innermost fears, to embrace him and to promise to never let him go. He just wanted _more_ and he wasn’t sure if that was even an option for them. But now it occurred to him – he’d never actually asked.

He didn’t want to lose him. He didn’t want to _stop_ kissing him, stop making love to him. Stop having his orgasms controlled by him, either. He didn’t want to stop him being the sole reason for his happiness, lust, pleasure and grief. He could get rid of him just like that, whenever he wanted, he could just discard him like an old jacket. He could do it in the blink of an eye. Really, he could if he wanted to.

But he didn’t.

“Sorry, have you been waiting for long?”

Hiroki could only just manage to keep his nervousness at bay, just so much that his brother wouldn’t notice. Or at least he talked himself into believing that he didn’t. But he did try not to look him in the eyes when he opened the door and let both of them in. A short period of awkwardness in the _genkan_. He still hadn’t answered him and Hiroki was still busy not looking at him.

“I don’t know, for half an hour maybe, but it was cold.”

When they reached the living room, Hiroki risked a short glance at his big brother, standing somehow lost and shivery in the middle of his apartment. His hair was pitch black again and shortened, he hadn’t bothered to style it, but Hiroki preferred this to his blond highlights. It made him look more real somehow, more like his brother, more familiar. “I’ll turn on the heating.”

When he turned around to search for the remote control, Hiroki felt his brother’s looks on his back but he didn’t dare to turn around and face them, although they made him grow hot all over. He despised it when something that needed to be spelled out was floating in the air but no one seemed to acknowledge it. His brother was here for a reason and he acted as though he was oblivious and just a mere child welcoming his brother back home. But Taka’s eyes were dark and deep and worried when he finally decided to seek them out. Reluctant and careful at first, but then he knew that it was the right thing to do. Not a second more and they would have swallowed him whole, those eyes.

“Do you want to tell me what you wanted to talk to me about?”

They were still standing in the middle of the room, like two lost lapdogs missing their master. Hiroki was holding one of his arms for comfort and Taka didn’t quite know how to act, either. Something Hiroki had barely witnessed in their time together. But aside from family meetings, they’d only ever shared their beds at night. Talking, cuddling, comforting … not so much their forte. Then Taka sighed.

“Look, I don’t want to control who you’re seeing …”

“Is this about Masato?” Hiroki felt like blurting out and it took him one single second to realise that he wasn’t regretting having said so, either. Normally, he’d thought deeply about what to say and what better not to say in the presence of his brother. But today he felt like bickering, like provoking. He wanted to challenge him and see where this would go. It made him delirious, all these ambivalent feelings inside of him. Clashing and pulling at each other until there was nothing left of them anymore. He wanted him to stay, to hold him. He wanted him to explode and scream at him. He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to shove him right out of this door.

“So you were at Masato’s?”

For a moment, Hiroki stopped in his tracks and observed the emotions played out on his brother’s features. He tried so hard to understand what was going on inside his head but in the end, he was none the wiser. The only thing he could tell, however, as much as it confused him, was the fact that Taka was standing in front of him like a little boy. Was he perhaps … insecure about this whole thing after all? He really didn’t even want to think about that possibility and what it entailed.

“Does that make you mad?”

“I told you, I’m not here to control who you’re seeing …”

Hiroki started to clench his fists subconsciously and only noticed when his teeth followed suit. He didn’t know why all this made _him_ so mad instead. It made him almost go up in flames, the fact that his brother wasn’t even trying to please Hiroki just a little. And by God, he didn’t ask for much! All this talk about being rational and acting mature about it all and trying your hardest not to slip up and to seem like a morally good person – when in reality you were fucking your own brother. How awfully hypocritical was that, anyway. _It sucked_ , frankly said.

Hiroki didn’t know what to do with himself. They were standing a few feet apart, nothing more. It was still as cold in there as it had been the moment they’d entered his flat, but now he didn’t see him shiver anymore. They were holding each other’s gazes, only that with him, now, there weren’t any sparks or sexual energy. Hiroki was furious. His eyes screamed and were glowing hot, he could feel it. He’d never smashed anything in an anger fit before, only this time he thought he might as well.

“Maybe I want you to.” He spit it out like a nasty bug that had accidentally found its way into his mouth. A long, shaky inhale. He swallowed. Bit his lip. Clenched his fists, like he always did. Refused to let go of Takahiro’s gaze and tried desperately to catch every single little change of expression on his face. Now he was the one who was shaking.

“I beg your pardon?”

“I fucking want you to control who I’m seeing,” Hiroki forced out with such violence in his croaking voice that it surprised him himself, but he certainly wasn’t about to take it back now that it was out in the open. Currently, there was only anger and resentment and impatience reigning inside of him like a thunderstorm and all of it wanted out. Even if that meant washing away everything else that was dear to him. Even if it meant drowning everything that was Taka. Drowning in him. He didn’t care anymore.

And so he only felt himself rush forward, as if his body wasn’t his anymore this very moment, and he closed the gap between them to shove his brother backwards. There was a short second in which Hiroki had to hold his breath as his fingertips brushed against his chest clothed in this stupid dark blue hoodie. He hadn’t even pushed that hard, but when he looked Taka in his eyes and all that he recognised was surprise and shock, he suddenly wished he had. But his brother was quicker in his thinking and actions and swiftly grabbed him by his upper arm to hold him still and stop him from shoving him any farther.

It was all happening in such a short amount of time, Hiroki couldn’t even realise what exactly was going on and struggled to put all of it in the right order. But all of a sudden he felt himself being pressed against his brother’s body instead, his arm still being gripped hard, and all he wanted to do was push _harder_. Punch him.

“Let me go,” he screamed but he didn’t feel his voice. All he felt was how he desperately tried to pull himself free. He felt himself becoming hysterical. This was certainly not how he thought this would go.

“No, I won’t,” Taka said in a much calmer voice, but when Hiro caught a glimpse of his eyes, he knew that his brother was anything but calm. He felt his breathing become rapid and hot. “I don’t want you to say any of those things, you hear me?”

Taka used the same voice as he had the last time he’d fucked him. Hiro could feel a sob getting stuck in his throat, as though his brother’s voice had clocked up his lungs. There was just no air left in them, it was as if he’d forgotten how to breathe. And suddenly he felt all of these suppressed emotions bubble up like they always did, only this time he could feel that there was no way he could hold them all in. They were too powerful this time, for a second it felt like they were trying to break his ribcage on their way up. And when they’d finally reached his throat, he’d already dropped to the floor like a shot deer. He didn’t even realise that Taka’s grip hadn’t been as firm as he’d thought and suddenly they were both kneeling on the ground in front of each other. Only Hiroki was sobbing, however. And there was no chance, no attempt, to hold back. He only faintly noticed how loudly he was crying while he was pressing his hands against his face, desperate to stop these hot, thick tears from rolling down his cheeks, but it was still in vain. They painted pale, hot streaks down his face and fell ridiculously loud to the floor, as if they were actually made of blood instead. He didn’t even know how he’d gotten there and what he was doing and why he was on the floor, weeping. He just knew that his chest felt so soul-crushingly _heavy_. Like someone had been sitting on it the whole time.

Somewhere in the back of his mind did he feel how Taka was wrapping uncertain arms around him to pull him closer to his chest; firmer and firmer until Hiroki thought that his sobs had nowhere to go anymore, but he was still shaking, shivering, trembling. He just couldn’t seem to stop. He would have _hated_ to fall apart like this in front of his brother, at least when it came to _this_ , their relationship. But today he didn’t even have time to consider that.

“I’m sorry, Hiroki, I’m sorry.” Somehow, through all this fog inside his brain, Hiroki could make out his brother’s voice. He was whispering close to his ear, still pressing him against his chest, his own arms somewhere awkwardly by his sides. The tears were still coming, his nose was running uncomfortably, and his little sobs sounded muffled and drowned out. But the smell of his brother’s hoodie was oddly comforting. “I didn’t realise you were so upset.”

“I’m a-halways- upset …” Hiroki hiccupped awkwardly between two shaky breaths. It was just a whisper into fabric, but he didn’t care if his brother had heard him or not. “You don’t even know … what you’re apologising for.”

The painful silence that followed his words was almost unbearable then and in his delirious state, Hiroki was very nearly convinced Taka would let go of him any second and just leave. But instead he only pressed him closer to his chest. A loving hand was brushing through his messy hair and then he felt a kiss being pressed onto the top of his head. Such a simple gesture that almost managed to turn him silent and make him stop crying just like that.

“It’s not as if I haven’t been noticing you behaving strangely …” Taka paused momentarily as if he was trying to prepare his next words carefully so as not to say anything wrong. Hiroki held his breath and it hurt, seeing that his body was still working against him, trying to transport sobs all the way up his throat. His runny nose was the most uncomfortable thing in all of this, really. “You seemed so cold, though, whenever we would see each other. I didn’t know how to … address this.”

Hiroki shook his head clumsily, mechanically; as if he wanted to tell him ‘no, it’s alright, you don’t have to apologise’ after all. But that wasn’t quite it. He was still so immensely hurt, his body was just doing what he’d internalised all these years on its own. Never show any weakness, don’t admit to finding anything unbearable. But that stupid rule was very well-neigh out of the wonder now, was it? But considering all this, Hiroki had still not the slightest clue on what to say, what to answer. How to react. Tears were still blooming in his eyes and withering down his cheeks, even though he wasn’t actively crying anymore. A stupid habit, something that he long ago had realised couldn’t ever be changed. He was just built close to water, and if he was still within reach of any of these upsetting circumstances and he had still time to reflect on them, he wouldn’t just _stop_ crying. Taka knew.

“But I’m so sorry about that. I should have known better as your older brother. I’m sorry, Hiroki. I’m afraid of losing you.”

He was still holding him close, words whispered into his messy shock of hair. Planting kisses. Breathing hot unsaid words into his skin. Hiroki thought he could hear his brother’s rapid heartbeat go out of rhythm. Maybe he did mean what he was saying.

“Then start acting like I’m important to you and not just _a fuck_.” Hiroki heard himself saying like through cotton wool. He was aware that he was looking awful when he tried to free himself from his brother’s grip to look him in the eyes. As if making a point, he tried to wipe his nose on his underarm like a little child but failed miserably. To his own surprise then, Taka smiled awkwardly and fished a tissue out of his pocket. His shirt was by then full of snot, anyway.

His brother waited until he’d blown his nose. Hiroki knew then that the worst bits were over. There was still, sometimes, a lonely tear that blazed a trail down his face but at last he no longer felt like spontaneously breaking in two anymore. He hated this effect that crying it all out had on him; for a moment then and there he wished he hadn’t fallen apart like that, for a moment he was sure that he could have survived all of this a lot longer. It wasn’t that bad. He had his brother’s attention. He’d smile at him and kiss him and tell him that he loved him and fuck him when his dark thoughts clouded his horizon. That was all he needed, wasn’t it? He shouldn’t have fallen apart like that, it was no use.

Deep down, though, he knew that that wasn’t true.

Taka had granted him a full second after he’d thrown away the used tissue carelessly into a corner before he’d grabbed his face with both hands and pressed a kiss on his lips. There was nothing Hiroki could do but suck in a surprised breath, but even that didn’t seem to work all right. It was not a kiss that expressed longing, however, Hiroki noted, and when he did, he relaxed into his brother’s touch. Then they parted, but Taka stayed so very close to his lips.

“I love you, Hiroki. I’ve only ever loved _you_. You’re so important to me. I’m sorry that I couldn’t seem to express that in a way you could understand better. It breaks my heart to see you like this.”

Takahiro’s breath tickled the tip of his nose that suddenly felt so hot that he thought he’d start to cry all over again from these words alone. From words he’d thought he would never hear from his brother’s mouth. He’d done a perfect job convincing himself that he truly wasn’t more than a fuck to him. That he just wanted to have his way with him. That it was his own fault for showing that he liked being treated roughly during sex – which surely could only mean that he deserved being treated roughly in real life too, right?

Now he already felt these sobs bubbling up in his chest all over again. He pressed a hand over his mouth in order to keep them all in, but his eyes betrayed him, so he closed them shut and succumbed to the feeling of his body going out of his control, shaking.

Taka’s hug now was way more careful and softer then, with one of his hands he stroked up and down Hiro’s back comfortingly. “You know, I’ve been thinking. I knew that our current relationship isn’t healthy for you. When Masato showed interest … I thought … you know, it’s an opportunity.”

Hiroki’s thoughts went up and down and only fragments of him thinking similar thoughts when he’d met Masato back then reached his clear state of mind. He didn’t notice himself shaking his head promptly in reply. A knee-jerk reaction. He was almost there. He almost had what he’d always wanted. Masato didn’t even have the means to mend his broken heart. Not even if he honestly tried.

“I don’t want that. I want _you_.”

“You only think so because you’re afraid … and you don’t know any better, Hiroki.”

Again, he shook his head, this time more convinced than ever. “I want _you_. Please don’t leave me like mum and dad.”

That last bit had freed itself from out of his clenched teeth somehow. He hadn’t even been aware that his brain had thought of voicing anything like that. He had slipped, he realised in horror. But his brother was only cupping his wet face in both his hands, leaning his forehead against his. Brushing away young years with his thumbs. His breath on his cheeks felt so comforting. Hiroki closed his eyes.

“I’ll stay, I promise,” Takahiro breathed against his lips and Hiroki knew that he meant it this time. A short, wet kiss. A shaky breath. Then Hiro felt his lips blooming into an honest smile. Something he’d thought he’d had forgotten entirely. “But you promise me to always tell me when anything’s wrong, okay? We’ll sort it out, together.”

“Together, yes.”


End file.
